Wednesday, September 21, 2011

babysitting

I hire a babysitter one day a week for three hours. Now is that time. I feel somewhat of a sense of guilt whenever the babysitter is here. It is hard to shake. It’s like, “I should be enjoying my daughter and spending every second with her appreciating her like the babysitter is”. It feels selfish to do my work. Yet, with many days her only sleeping 9 ½ hours total, there is no chance to get work done, much less catch up on cleaning and paperwork and emails etc. etc. I am incredibly driven and focused and have a clear image of the arena I plan to be in as a director. It is very specific. Indie narrative filmmaking of the highest artistry and quality.. Sundance.. highly creative and powerful collaborators in my producers, cinematographers, actors, etc.. A long and varied film career with many challenging and interesting films, all a clear expression of my vision. I feel my whole life has been leading up to this point. Perhaps I am a late bloomer, but I am blooming.. I cannot wait to get my hands on a camera (figuratively) again and put images and words and sounds and human actors into a story that slowly reveals itself. Sometimes I am frustrated because I can’t attend many networking events or film-related workshops or discussions. I can’t plan very many lunches or dinners or movie nights with artist friends or film folks who I’d like to get to know better. But I do have three hours a week with which to work (and of course my evenings when my daughter goes to sleep and before my husband gets home). And I do have my time with my daughter, which is invaluable, and truly, which I wouldn’t trade for anything. It is a tightrope walk, trying to do both (and do both well). But it is the path I have chosen, and truly I wouldn’t do anything differently. I’ve never been more focused on my goals in my life. I must thank M for this.

Friday, September 16, 2011

how/when to work?

sooo.. in thinking about, how does one get artistic work done when one is a stay-at-home mom? well... there are the times the child is sleeping (this would be much harder with multiple children), the times the husband is able to hang out with the child, and the babysitting time, much of which (for me) has been good friends.

here is a trajectory in the 3 1/2 years since my daughter was born:

- ages 0-2 - LOTS of naps - i snagged every moment i could to write. i couldn't get out and do much but i could write. i took advantage of this. also, my husband works nights so i would work from the moment my daughter would fall asleep until he got home.
- age 2-3 - shot a film that included my daughter - didn't need to find a babysitter because of this - during editing process there wasn't much sleep and many late nights and a very understanding husband of me not having a lot of time to hang out. also, a regular babysitting trade with a good friend allowed for time for working on the feature script.
- age 3-4 (this year) - have finally hired a babysitter about once a week. we can't really afford this but now that our daughter rarely naps it has been necessary to get work done. only for three hours, but it is helpful. of course, evening work continues. daughter sometimes goes to bed very late so i am therefore up even later.

a couple of months ago i attended an amazing 5-day workshop (artists summer institute). didn't know how i was going to accomplish this, as it is sometimes difficult to even schedule time to see a friend, but it worked out.. husband with M two days (now he is working FULL time so it would've been impossible).. in-laws with her two days.. good friend with her one afternoon.. another good friend with her an entire day. it was strange to be away from her all day, but she was well taken care of, and the workshop was invaluable.

next steps will be shooting a short film in south carolina in march, fundraising for feature i want to shoot in sc next summer, beginning a production company (this/next month), and several other things on the horizon... will need to think of excellent childcare options while shooting in sc.. have family down there so perhaps they will have ideas.. or perhaps i can bring a good friend along and pay them from the budget..

i have always believed that anything is possible if you put your mind to it. some things seem impossible, but they aren't. your will can carry you a long way. as can your imagination. as can help from friends, but sometimes you have to ask. thanks for the help, friends (you know who you are).

Thursday, September 1, 2011

nap time


The day before a holiday weekend.. always a bit of a struggle to relax, when there are pages to be edited, shoots to be planned, grants to be applied for.. the to-do list is never-ending for a filmmaker.. My daughter is taking a rare nap. I have been co-organizing a film screening for the past few months and it will come to a head next weekend, september 10th: www.flicksinthegarden.com. There has been much planning and details surrounding that. It has been a good learning experience (although I've organized many events before, including a remixed media film festival, a theater company, fundraisers, etc.). We've partnered with the local Business Improvement District, another film festival, and the local private park to create this unique event, and I do feel like it will have an artistic stamp on it. My short film (with my daughter and I also acting in it) "Other People's Houses" will play the event.. probably the last screening I will actively pursue for this film. Time to prepare for upcoming projects.. my husband's short film coming up soon.. my own new short film to shoot next March in South Carolina.. and the feature we are co-writing and I will direct that we will begin actively fundraising for this month. Now, to nap or to work on the script? Probably the latter..