filmmaker papa

Hi there --

Have been wanting to write awhile about my dear husband Bruce.  He works 60 hours a week and doesn't have as much time as he used to to act, write, make films... He is an amazing talent which I knew from the very first moment I met him when he was doing a one man show about 5 New York characters at the Zephyr Theater in Los Angeles. He is incredibly supportive of my choices to both stay home with Miranda and to make films.  And this must be acknowledged as all of this would be EXTREMELY difficult to say the least without his support.  It is hard enough as it is to do something meaningful with one's time.  But without support it could seem like an unclimbable hill.

Bruce is constantly sending me ideas of things to do with my films, people to contact, creative ideas, things to remember, and more.  He not only acted in "Crossing the River" (his role of Ted was described as a "slovenly middle-aged white man" - "Thanks" he said - he does not fit this description at all btw), but he spent most of the prep and shoot week in South Carolina hanging with Miranda so I could solely focus on directing the film.  He is an amazing father (truly), as anyone who sees him with her comments, but to be with a 4 year old full time and not be used to it is not a straightforwardly easy task.  They went to the zoo, movies, gardens, museums, and even a birthday party.  The car when I saw it each day was a mountain of food wrappers, dirty clothing, crumbs, and other trash.  I had to simply accept it and smile at the great effort that was being expended.  In the middle of all this he played the role of Ted and did a marvelous job.

Now we are once again co-writing a short (we co-wrote the short film "My Elena" a few years back and also our feature script "Buckle My Soul") which is grounded in the NY underground comedy world.  We plan to shoot in August.  I am excited.  We grab the little time we can with his cri-zazy work schedule.  The 2 hours when Miranda is in school.  Late at night.  On the phone.

Bruce is there when I need him with presence, attention, and smarts.  He has been for years, and continues to be.  This means a lot.

Thank you for your love, passion and support, filmmaker papa.  You are my warm light and I love and appreciate you so very much.

Em

If I won the lottery

What would you do if you won the lottery?  What if money were no object?  Within this seemingly superficial question are answers that are closest to a person's heart: one's deepest values, inner dreams and desires.

For me, here are my thoughts in answer to that question.

I would continue to do exactly what I'm doing.

I would continue to spend time with my daughter and make films.

However, I would be able to make exactly the films I wanted to make without having to wait around.  There would still be no way around the process of writing.  But knowing that once the writing was complete and the crewing up was done that the film would be made would be a freeing feeling.  We could shoot films in other locations and spend months there in research, rehearsal, and pre-production.  I could hire a lovely person to help watch Miranda while on set.  There are many things as far as the quality of the filmmaking that could be helped.

But as I said, the basic process would be the same.  Write a good script.  Keep working at it.  Then get people excited about helping to tell that story.

Other things to do with the lottery money?

Help my Mom and other family members, donate to worthwhile charities close to my heart, own a place to live for my own family (preferably one in the country and another lovely place in Greenwich Village or Brooklyn), and take our whole extended family on a tropical vacation (a dream for a very long time).

I am probably forgetting some things, but to me those are the most important.

Truly, I have everything I need.  A loving husband, an incredibly special daughter, an amazing family, true and dear friends, a roof over my head and food to eat.  And the ability to write and create films.

Oregon, 1970's

Love

As February comes to a close, and the hint of spring is in the air, I get a certain feeling inside that is familiar.  As spring awakens, there is a sense of what has taken place in the past and what will take place again.. and a certain feeling of an irresistible pull towards my true path.  I feel a greater connection during yoga.  To God.  To my inner truth.  To who I've been, who I am, who I am meant to be.

I have spent a lot of time, money, resources, and energy, as have friends, towards making "Crossing the River".  It has been a labor of love.  I hope the film will continue to screen and be a blessing for those who were involved in it, and those it was inspired by.

I am moving towards creative expression once again.  I am working on something with my husband Bruce, a short he has been working on for awhile now that we are rethinking/reimagining.  It will be gritty, raw, a doc-style narrative.  It is exciting thinking about it and working on it.

I am working on something else that is based on my life in my early 20's, but also bringing in elements of poetry, memory, dreams... More on the experimental side than anything I've worked on since college (which was all experimental, Maya Deren-inspired type stuff).

There is still my feature about the doctor I knew as a child, near and dear to my heart.  Co-written with Bruce.

I am beginning to edit a music video I shot for a friend in the fall.  Experimental.  Lo-fi.  Exciting.

I feel the desire to do different creative things.  Sand squishing through my toes, running, arms out, salt water on my skin, a huge goofy smile on my face, free.  Broad strokes of paint with all different materials on a HUGE canvas, no worries about being in the lines or making a mess.  Peeking in on interesting characters with a still camera, an i-phone, a movie camera and not worrying about the outcome or the audience, just exploring, intuiting, dreaming, expressing.

I would love to act in someone else's piece, something that stretches me.

Want to get outside now that spring is coming and see the trees and flowers and hiking trails.

Miranda continues to be a joy and an inspiration.

I'm going to keep it short and sweet.  Wishing everyone a beautiful end of winter/beginning of spring.

Moss

(From 2003)

I can smell the moss lit by the water on the treetrunks coming down from the mountain the moss wet and dark like my insides not fully lit in this sunlit summer of rain.  I walk down the path looking for a sign that I’m going the right way.  I can’t figure it out but the moss but the moss I smell it so strong and it takes me to that place that nobody can take away.  When will I be free?  When will I let myself be me?  I am tired of this constant struggle my feet are sore from trying to hold up this façade I am a human being strong and free but I wear the mask of the day-to-day, taking trivialities too seriously, giving my energy over to the rush the ride of the streets clamoring through to find my way more quickly to the place that sucks my insides like sap.  I will grow again I will shine through I will find my way to the hidden spring in the forest and the moss she will cover me like a soft green blanket, cool in the summer sunshine, beautiful oh so beautiful to feel her softness covering me, protecting me from the thick layer of skin I have developed.  It is time to let it go take it off unzip it rend it from my body I want to have my own skin now, marred and delicate as it may be, that’s what I want to face the world with, taking in all stimuli that it wants to give me.  Plunge into the waterfall with my arms spread like wings, drinking in the rush of the water, throwing my head back in ecstasy.

Can one be a balaboosta and a filmmaker at the same time?

A question I was pondering today.  A character based on a true person in a feature script I've been working on for years was described thusly: "Housekeeping was not her strong suit".  Things were dusty, out of order, sometimes chickens presented themselves in the dining room during dinner parties.  However, this woman and her husband worked respectively as a teacher and doctor and did incredible work for the community on a daily basis, and raised 5 children.  Housekeeping wasn't the first thing on her list.

Yes, it feels good to have a clean bathroom (did this today), a vacuumed living room (did this today also), and a sparkling kitchen (not done yet).  Undusty corners, no piles of papers, a clean stove bottom, a really cozy-feeling bedroom would all be lovely additions to my (and my family's) life/ves.  However, there are a limited number of hours in the day.

A typical day might look like this: Roll out of bed, get Miranda ready for school, take her there, come straight home, work for 1 1/2 hours on the computer, go back to get her, go to a playdate or ballet lesson or museum or trader joe's or to visit Bruce at work, come home and make dinner, do homework, do our own "home school pre school" (yesterday we did Inuit people, historically and present-day), play, dance, read books, talk on Skype to family, write thank you cards... You catch the drift.  About once a week there is time to clean, and to REALLY do a good job cleaning it would take about 5 hours I'm estimating.  Hmmm..... Which of the above would I limit in order to be able to do that?

It's all a balancing act.  I do make homemade meals a few times a week.  I mend from time to time.  Have a sewing machine given to me by my mother in law which has never been taken out of its box.  Have boxes of knitting supplies which never really took off in my household.

When Miranda goes to sleep and before Bruce gets home from work, it is my time to consider, think, reflect, dream.  And work.  Festival submissions, emails, writing, etc. flow from my fingers to the computer.  It is valuable time.

My mother-in-law complimented a dear friend of mine at my wedding that she was a "Balaboosta".  Highest compliment possible from her point of view.  My mother, upon hearing the definition, instantly said "Emilie is a Balaboosta".  How kind of her.

Here is the definition (from http://beabalaboosta.blogspot.com): Balaboosta (n.)(bah-lah-b00-sta) A Yiddish term meaning the perfect housewife, homemaker, wonderful mother, cook, and gracious hostess. She does it all and does it well.

Can one be a balaboosta and a filmmaker at the same time?  Perhaps one of these lovely women who are able to juggle multiple things and do them all well.  I am not quite that.  I am a decent cook and hostess and wife.  Housewife/homemaker, maybe not a 10.  But as far as a mother, I strive to do the best job I possibly can, at the expense of perfectly dusted picture frames and a sparkling white stovetop.

films that have moved me

Thinking of inspirations, moments of clarity and insight, revelations, revolutions of the mind and heart, soft fingers creating tunes of eternal art across the sky...

"The Double Life of Veronique"--I saw this just out of film school in L.A.  First time ever living by myself.  It was difficult to pound the pavement to get paid work and to be alone save for new acquaintances and one troubled relationship.  I saw this film and it took me into another breathless world.  I felt I could relate to having a doppelganger, someone who I felt deeply connected to without ever having met them.  The acting by Irene Jacob hit me like a ton of bricks when I saw it.  I was completely mesmerized with everything about the film and was the next several times I saw it.  I watched it again about 10 years later and it didn't hit me in quite the same way.  But I will always have a soft spot in my heart for this film.

"Gas Food Lodging" - Believe I was also in Los Angeles when I saw this at the theater when it was released.  I related to it.  It was about a single mom and her kids living without much money in the New Mexico desert.  Completely relatable from my point of view.  And the protagonist, played by Fairuza Balk, loved new wave and fell unwittingly in love with a gay boy, as I did in high school.  I love the relationship between the sisters and the mom, and the journey of both daughters throughout the film.  I love Allison Anders.  I love female protagonists.  I cannot wait to make my film about growing up with my own single mom and brother traveling around the country in a red VW bus throughout my childhood.  I think this film was an inspiration for me because I could recognize something from myself and my own life up there within an amazing film.

"Nashville" - Saw this on DVD about 10 years ago, maybe a bit less.  Was tipsy after a dinner party the first time.  I could not believe what I was seeing; my jaw dropped open in awe.  Watched it the next day without the influence of wine and was still in awe.  I loved how Altman was able to meld realistic performances with music (original and written for the film and performed by ACTORS not singers) that felt like it was from Nashville with an interweaving and interesting storyline with news from the day (constantly hearing it on the radio from loudspeakers on cars and other places throughout the film).... I love that it feels almost like a documentary as opposed to a narrative film and doesn't feel it has to fit into a structure.  It appeals to everything I love about films and captures something that is unique and true.  I would love to act in something like this and also to direct something that feels as loose and creative and free and honest.  Bruce and I still play and sing tunes from this.. "Keep A'Goin'" is a CLASSIC.

"L'Avventura" - This was the first Antonioni film I ever watched.  How beautiful and unique.  What incredible acting by Monica Vitti.  I felt she captured what it feels like to be in love and what it feels like to be betrayed.  And the way Antonioni chose to tell this story, through vistas of water and mountains and architecture and sweeping halls..... It made the feelings of the characters come out all the more.  It is like reading an amazing children's book.. the story and pictures complement each other until there is a feeling growing inside that must be released in tears.

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I am not able to see as many films as I would like any more.  Still a full time caretaker of my daughter (save for the 2 1/2 hours when she's in school when she's not sick), my limited free time is spent working on projects.  I try and fit films in when I can.  Recently somehow I managed to see "Lincoln" (loved it), "Les Mis" (hated it, walked out), "Rust and Bone" (eh, I'd give it a 1), and "Clean" (not bad.. had some moments I liked and some what felt like truthful insight into what it's like to be a heroin addict and musician but ultimately just okay), but there are so many more I'd like to see (in the theaters: "Amour", "Silver Linings Playbook", "Zero Dark Thirty", etc., and sooooooo many on Netflix).  Mostly I want to see films that recently played festivals that are not yet available on DVD.  I have to patiently wait until they are available and view them in snatches of time here and there on my 19" tv set or computer.  I am not complaining.. not really... I still get GREAT joy out of watching a sublime film and it is like eating candy or chocolate or coconut cream pie or getting a new dress that is divine.  I just don't get to do it as often as I'd like.

However, I do get to spend time with my daughter and to be a filmmaker.  And that is enough for now. Balancing it with joy, fun, open-ended creativity, and exercise is my challenge and goal.

New Year

New year.  Getting over a 10 day cold.  Tired.  Looking forward to being excited again.  Getting there. I want to be able to be completely honest here but yet am aware anyone can look at this blog.  Still..... here goes.  I have been working for over a year on "Crossing the River".  It would be incredibly exciting to have a festival announcement soon.  As of yet, that is not the case.  Many many people have worked on the film, donated to the film, been a champion of the film.  I would say that thousands of hours have been put in with an eye towards the film's ultimate success.  I would love to be able to say that the film will be seen by many many people, will be discussed, thought about, that people's eyes will be opened to the fact that cross burnings still exist, that people are rallying around prevention of cross burnings and around other anti-racism efforts as a direct result of having seen the film.

As I come out of my sickness, I am looking towards this new year.  There is still much work to be done on CTR, screenings to be organized, people to be contacted, festivals yet to enter.  At the same time, I am thinking about my next project.  There are several ideas kicking around, both completed feature scripts, and mere ideas........  I am a person who usually knows what she is doing next.  It is an interesting place to be to not be completely sure.  I will keep you posted.

Wishing everyone a beautiful 2013.  Wishing clarity, peace, clear communication, a sense of your own self-worth, a feeling of meaning and connection to all humanity, and of course much love, health, joy and creativity.  Abundance in all things to the point where it is absolutely necessary to share it.

Love,
Emilie

p.s. My new website: http://www.emiliemcdonald.com
p.p.s. Miranda just turned 5!!!!!!!!!!