the right thing

Miranda got a little book about angels for a stocking gift.  One of them was the Angel of Wisdom, who "always knows the right thing to do".  I need that angel at times.  The Kickstarter push was awkward at times, reaching out to friends and family for help.  It still felt right though, as I fully believe in the project.  Doing the votey shmotey thing feels perhaps not right though.  There are other things throughout the days and weeks that don't feel right.  Sometimes it is a nagging feeling that I'm not quite sure of, other times it's quite obvious what I am uncomfortable with.  I think there is an inner intuition that knows when one is doing the right thing by oneself, by others, by a higher power.  This includes doing the right thing by a project.  I am going to keep working creatively on the script until it feels right.  There are many business things to do, and they will definitely get done, but one must not forget the intuitive part of the process, as that is what everything else springs from.  I am also fully committed to Miranda THRIVING on a daily basis.  Am doing a lot of reading on early childhood and am so inspired.  Vacation is good.  Time to think, look at the stars, reconnect.

kickstarter

I feel I have to at least put a link to my Kickstarter campaign: http://www.kickstarter.com/projects/emiliemcdonald/crossing-the-river for my short film about a modern-day hate crime, and also about understanding and tolerance.

It is been an exceptionally challenging balance of filmmaker and mama these past few weeks.

Hangin' in and I think Miranda is still learning new things each day and getting mucho love.

7 more days, over $7K to raise! I have always been an optimist.. it's a long shot but I am hopeful!!!

Miranda at 3 years 11 months

My daughter is growing up right before my eyes. In the last few weeks, she's started using a Southern accent out of nowhere at a specific moment that made me laugh; she's seemed to have literally gotten taller and lankier; she is speaking very specifically and clearly with very thought-out sentences (for example: "Do you want to know another thing that I'm thankful for? I'm thankful for my friend named Laura.") It is both beautiful and heartbreaking.. Her youth vanishing before my eyes. I know I am being dramatic. I think it is a gentle reminder to TRULY appreciate each and every moment with her because it is so precious. And nothing matters more.

sunday

A lovely crisp autumn day. My husband and daughter went to see children's short films and have lunch; I stayed home and worked on my prospectus for my short film "Crossing the River". It was a much-needed work time; but... I missed them and felt wistful for missing out on family time when my husband works so many hours during the week. However, we did have many other lovely moments this week, albeit many of them with just Miranda and I: a visit to Stone Barns Farm near Tarrytown; a trip to Dumbo for Jane's Carousel and Brooklyn Ice Cream Parlor; "Elmo in Grouchland" at BAM with a surprise visit from Kevin Clash and the real Elmo (favorite moment: Miranda got on the mike and said "Hi Elmo"; Elmo responded with "I love you."); a friend's 4th birthday party at the local park; and much more.. I also managed to work on film stuff every day.. excited to have a few more peeps attached to the short film.. about to launch kickstarter campaign in about a week (!!!).. Time to go.. daughter finally home and she's alternately kissing both of my arms and showing me what Elmo's face looked like yesterday. Good evening!

a girl can dream..

fundraising season

It's been almost a month since my last post. I have been wanting to share this blog, but haven't felt ready.. I believe the time is arriving soon though..

Am gearing up for a kickstarter campaign in the coming weeks. Very involved! It is a good practice for me to gather up all my contacts, resources, ideas, and it is helping me to plan out the shoot well in advance of the March filming date. Of course, there are still many details to finalize, but the kickstarter deadline is helping me to get my ducks in a row.

I continue to feel that Miranda comes first. Her needs must be taken care of on several levels. Then I can put time and energy into making films and building a career as a filmmaker. And I am finding time to do this every day. But Miranda is the pinnacle of the mountaintop. What a joy.

grateful

I am learning how to integrate my filmmaking into my daily life. I have to at this point. Also, I truly love being with Miranda and sharing these precious moments with her. It has been hitting me a lot lately how lucky I am. In a year she'll be in pre-K and almost 5; a year after that, she'll be in kindergarten... It seems far away sometimes and at other moments it seems like it will be instantaneous. I don't want to take a moment for granted.

Yesterday I saw 2 friends and had lovely visits with a new baby and a playdate with Miranda and a dear friend of hers. Both visits included intensive and illuminating conversations about my new short script.. both are people who I will collaborate with in the future... had a wonderful day with Miranda and also gained clarity on my project--changes to make it stronger and next steps.

Crisp fall days.. crisp focused artistic forward-moving thoughts.. moments forever in my memory (smelling roses with Miranda at the Brooklyn Botanical Garden today; skipping and singing "follow the yellow brick road"; laughing in the car..........). Grateful.

hmm..

I’m still pondering the question.. how can one be a filmmaker and a full-time mom at the same time? I don’t have exact answers... I know that childcare is an issue, and finances are very closely connected to that. But I’m actually wondering if I am asking the right question. Maybe the question isn’t framed correctly. Maybe it should be, “How can I be the best mom possible and also make my art?” I think that is the more important question. One can always do many things, but can one do them well? And what is most important?

babysitting

I hire a babysitter one day a week for three hours. Now is that time. I feel somewhat of a sense of guilt whenever the babysitter is here. It is hard to shake. It’s like, “I should be enjoying my daughter and spending every second with her appreciating her like the babysitter is”. It feels selfish to do my work. Yet, with many days her only sleeping 9 ½ hours total, there is no chance to get work done, much less catch up on cleaning and paperwork and emails etc. etc. I am incredibly driven and focused and have a clear image of the arena I plan to be in as a director. It is very specific. Indie narrative filmmaking of the highest artistry and quality.. Sundance.. highly creative and powerful collaborators in my producers, cinematographers, actors, etc.. A long and varied film career with many challenging and interesting films, all a clear expression of my vision. I feel my whole life has been leading up to this point. Perhaps I am a late bloomer, but I am blooming.. I cannot wait to get my hands on a camera (figuratively) again and put images and words and sounds and human actors into a story that slowly reveals itself. Sometimes I am frustrated because I can’t attend many networking events or film-related workshops or discussions. I can’t plan very many lunches or dinners or movie nights with artist friends or film folks who I’d like to get to know better. But I do have three hours a week with which to work (and of course my evenings when my daughter goes to sleep and before my husband gets home). And I do have my time with my daughter, which is invaluable, and truly, which I wouldn’t trade for anything. It is a tightrope walk, trying to do both (and do both well). But it is the path I have chosen, and truly I wouldn’t do anything differently. I’ve never been more focused on my goals in my life. I must thank M for this.

how/when to work?

sooo.. in thinking about, how does one get artistic work done when one is a stay-at-home mom? well... there are the times the child is sleeping (this would be much harder with multiple children), the times the husband is able to hang out with the child, and the babysitting time, much of which (for me) has been good friends.

here is a trajectory in the 3 1/2 years since my daughter was born:

- ages 0-2 - LOTS of naps - i snagged every moment i could to write. i couldn't get out and do much but i could write. i took advantage of this. also, my husband works nights so i would work from the moment my daughter would fall asleep until he got home.

- age 2-3 - shot a film that included my daughter - didn't need to find a babysitter because of this - during editing process there wasn't much sleep and many late nights and a very understanding husband of me not having a lot of time to hang out. also, a regular babysitting trade with a good friend allowed for time for working on the feature script.

- age 3-4 (this year) - have finally hired a babysitter about once a week. we can't really afford this but now that our daughter rarely naps it has been necessary to get work done. only for three hours, but it is helpful. of course, evening work continues. daughter sometimes goes to bed very late so i am therefore up even later.

a couple of months ago i attended an amazing 5-day workshop (artists summer institute). didn't know how i was going to accomplish this, as it is sometimes difficult to even schedule time to see a friend, but it worked out.. husband with M two days (now he is working FULL time so it would've been impossible).. in-laws with her two days.. good friend with her one afternoon.. another good friend with her an entire day. it was strange to be away from her all day, but she was well taken care of, and the workshop was invaluable.

next steps will be shooting a short film in south carolina in march, fundraising for feature i want to shoot in sc next summer, beginning a production company (this/next month), and several other things on the horizon... will need to think of excellent childcare options while shooting in sc.. have family down there so perhaps they will have ideas.. or perhaps i can bring a good friend along and pay them from the budget..

i have always believed that anything is possible if you put your mind to it. some things seem impossible, but they aren't. your will can carry you a long way. as can your imagination. as can help from friends, but sometimes you have to ask. thanks for the help, friends (you know who you are).

nap time

The day before a holiday weekend.. always a bit of a struggle to relax, when there are pages to be edited, shoots to be planned, grants to be applied for.. the to-do list is never-ending for a filmmaker.. My daughter is taking a rare nap. I have been co-organizing a film screening for the past few months and it will come to a head next weekend, september 10th: www.flicksinthegarden.com. There has been much planning and details surrounding that. It has been a good learning experience (although I've organized many events before, including a remixed media film festival, a theater company, fundraisers, etc.). We've partnered with the local Business Improvement District, another film festival, and the local private park to create this unique event, and I do feel like it will have an artistic stamp on it. My short film (with my daughter and I also acting in it) "Other People's Houses" will play the event.. probably the last screening I will actively pursue for this film. Time to prepare for upcoming projects.. my husband's short film coming up soon.. my own new short film to shoot next March in South Carolina.. and the feature we are co-writing and I will direct that we will begin actively fundraising for this month. Now, to nap or to work on the script? Probably the latter..

first post

I have been thinking about writing a filmmaker mama blog for a few weeks now, rolling over the idea in my head, thinking of things I'd like to share.. and questions for myself: How personal shall this be? Do I share my personal day-to-day experiences, or just share tools to help other parents who are also filmmakers? I haven't completely answered those questions yet, but I feel I will be sure of the approach that feels right for me as I go along. There is something "scary" about a blog--it seems you are almost putting yourself out there sans clothes for the whole world to see.. but I suppose there are different levels of this.

I am interested in meeting other filmmaker mamas and papas and hearing their stories of how they juggle both successfully..

I am currently a stay-at-home mom and also a very driven filmmaker.. more about that later. For now, just, "hi".. I know there are others out there! Greetings!