a long time coming

It's been awhile. I know. I live and breathe this every day and there is no time left over to write about it. I suppose my focus has been elsewhere -- mostly on taking care of Miranda and working towards making my feature. Also finishing up the short MUCK I co-wrote and co-produced with my husband (which I am excited about).

I have met a boatload of female filmmakers in the last year, the Film Fatales. It has been so amazing to find a community of like-minded people. Truly mind-blowing and inspiring on so many levels. From that group, Kim Spurlock and I created a writing group. We meet monthly at the Writers Guild and turn in 60 pages every other month. There are 12 members, each incredibly smart, insightful, funny and warm. I have a deadline with my script and a real community. We had the first of what will hopefully be many writing retreats this September on Shelter Island. We did writing exercises, yoga, read excerpts from Save the Cat, wrote, cooked, ate, drank, walked, biked, swam, talked, talked some more, and laughed. I am so grateful for this community.

I also recently met another group which is an offshoot of the Fim Fatales, the Documamas (not all documentarians :)) They also meet monthly. It has been difficult for me to make those meetings, as many of them are in the evenings and my husband works 5 nights a week. They recently did a daytime workshop in collaboration with Chicken & Egg Pictures. It was called Balancing Motherhood and Filmmaking. There were about 25 of us there, all in the same boat. Amazing. A woman named Amy Hilbrich Davis who has a company called Family Life Success, and also has 7 kids, spoke to us about putting our family first, and how that success will translate over into every area of our lives. There are several cornerstones of family success. The first is personal well-being. The second is our relationship with our partner. She said these first 2 are more important to the happiness of our kids than any of the other cornerstones. Mind-blowing, right? She also talked about our job as parents. It is to keep our kids happy, healthy, safe and cozy. I love the simplicity of this. There were so many more amazing things she shared, and I am still processing them and integrating them into my life. It is a mind-shift. It was a gift to be there, and I am again so grateful.

The next step for me is to make my first feature. Between my husband and me (me being DEEPLY involved in each project), we have made 4 shorts. We have ideas for web series, etc., and will work towards making these happen. But in the meantime, I am singlemindedly focused on my feature Gun Club Road. I have just completed my third draft. Now it is time to go in for the dirty work - tightening dialogue / making it more specific with each character one by one; putting more New Mexico, 1980's and South Valley references into the script; strengthening each a and b storyline; outlining the script (ack! something I have always avoided!); putting in all the little idiosyncratic thoughts I've had about this script which will make it unique; etc. etc. etc.

The idea is to shoot this next October. In less than a year. I have to think big - that's the only way I know how to make things happen.

I have another film which is close to my heart which I want to make, but it is a larger budget film. I started daydreaming about films with lower budgets and Gun Club Road has overtaken my mind and heart at the moment. One day I will make Buckle My Soul. I must spend time each day that is devoted to these dreams. I truly believe in making dreams reality. I believe in prayer. I believe in hard work. I believe in willing something into existence through a combination of both.

It has taken me all this time to figure out a way to work every day. Last year was Miranda's first year of full time school and it took me the whole year to figure out how to harness the time. Perhaps I was tired and needed to catch up on my sleep. I was also helping make MUCK, which definitely took hours of each day. Post on MUCK has just been completed and I think it has an exciting future ahead. A lot of talent surrounding that project from the acting to the producing to the cinematography and beyond. During that time I also worked on a few different writing projects of my own, finally coming to Gun Club Road with a first draft literally flying off my fingers.

That is all for now. I will try and post more regularly.

I will leave you with an image of the true life inspiration of GUN CLUB ROAD. My sister Cassie Goodluck and myself.

With love,
Emilie Blythe (but you can call me Blythe)

filmmaker mama.. uh-huh.

Filmmaker mama... uh-huh. I think that's what it means when you have been working your buns off on a film for over a year and it is the first day of shooting and... you are at home with your sick child. Miranda is asleep on the couch right now. She has a virus which has to run its course and usually lasts a week. She can't go to school until she has been fever-free for 24 hours. It is Wednesday and we are shooting through Saturday. She has had fever since Saturday night. Her fever is still at 101. At this point I know I won't be on set tomorrow either. We shall see about Friday and Saturday. Of course, if I was directing, I would be on set and Bruce would be home with Miranda. But since I am co-writer and producer of this one.. and also a mama.. I am at home looking at pictures on my cell phone of what is happening on set. I am trying to be Zen about it. Things have been criz-azy the last few weeks preparing for this moment. And now things are.. ever so quiet in our apartment. I am thankful that Miranda is in good spirits. And I am thankful that it sounds like things are going well on set. And also very thankful that our 2 week Kickstarter campaign was funded before it ended last night. The film is called MUCK. I am very much a part of the fact that this film is filming right now. I can only practice letting go now. And perhaps can take a moment to think about the next project I will direct.

With love... filmmaker mama Emilie.

 on set - Tallie Medel as Mel, photo taken by Janice Erlbaum

at home - Miranda as herself, photo taken by her mama

filmmaker papa

Hi there --

Have been wanting to write awhile about my dear husband Bruce.  He works 60 hours a week and doesn't have as much time as he used to to act, write, make films... He is an amazing talent which I knew from the very first moment I met him when he was doing a one man show about 5 New York characters at the Zephyr Theater in Los Angeles. He is incredibly supportive of my choices to both stay home with Miranda and to make films.  And this must be acknowledged as all of this would be EXTREMELY difficult to say the least without his support.  It is hard enough as it is to do something meaningful with one's time.  But without support it could seem like an unclimbable hill.

Bruce is constantly sending me ideas of things to do with my films, people to contact, creative ideas, things to remember, and more.  He not only acted in "Crossing the River" (his role of Ted was described as a "slovenly middle-aged white man" - "Thanks" he said - he does not fit this description at all btw), but he spent most of the prep and shoot week in South Carolina hanging with Miranda so I could solely focus on directing the film.  He is an amazing father (truly), as anyone who sees him with her comments, but to be with a 4 year old full time and not be used to it is not a straightforwardly easy task.  They went to the zoo, movies, gardens, museums, and even a birthday party.  The car when I saw it each day was a mountain of food wrappers, dirty clothing, crumbs, and other trash.  I had to simply accept it and smile at the great effort that was being expended.  In the middle of all this he played the role of Ted and did a marvelous job.

Now we are once again co-writing a short (we co-wrote the short film "My Elena" a few years back and also our feature script "Buckle My Soul") which is grounded in the NY underground comedy world.  We plan to shoot in August.  I am excited.  We grab the little time we can with his cri-zazy work schedule.  The 2 hours when Miranda is in school.  Late at night.  On the phone.

Bruce is there when I need him with presence, attention, and smarts.  He has been for years, and continues to be.  This means a lot.

Thank you for your love, passion and support, filmmaker papa.  You are my warm light and I love and appreciate you so very much.

Em

If I won the lottery

What would you do if you won the lottery?  What if money were no object?  Within this seemingly superficial question are answers that are closest to a person's heart: one's deepest values, inner dreams and desires.

For me, here are my thoughts in answer to that question.

I would continue to do exactly what I'm doing.

I would continue to spend time with my daughter and make films.

However, I would be able to make exactly the films I wanted to make without having to wait around.  There would still be no way around the process of writing.  But knowing that once the writing was complete and the crewing up was done that the film would be made would be a freeing feeling.  We could shoot films in other locations and spend months there in research, rehearsal, and pre-production.  I could hire a lovely person to help watch Miranda while on set.  There are many things as far as the quality of the filmmaking that could be helped.

But as I said, the basic process would be the same.  Write a good script.  Keep working at it.  Then get people excited about helping to tell that story.

Other things to do with the lottery money?

Help my Mom and other family members, donate to worthwhile charities close to my heart, own a place to live for my own family (preferably one in the country and another lovely place in Greenwich Village or Brooklyn), and take our whole extended family on a tropical vacation (a dream for a very long time).

I am probably forgetting some things, but to me those are the most important.

Truly, I have everything I need.  A loving husband, an incredibly special daughter, an amazing family, true and dear friends, a roof over my head and food to eat.  And the ability to write and create films.

Oregon, 1970's

Love

As February comes to a close, and the hint of spring is in the air, I get a certain feeling inside that is familiar.  As spring awakens, there is a sense of what has taken place in the past and what will take place again.. and a certain feeling of an irresistible pull towards my true path.  I feel a greater connection during yoga.  To God.  To my inner truth.  To who I've been, who I am, who I am meant to be.

I have spent a lot of time, money, resources, and energy, as have friends, towards making "Crossing the River".  It has been a labor of love.  I hope the film will continue to screen and be a blessing for those who were involved in it, and those it was inspired by.

I am moving towards creative expression once again.  I am working on something with my husband Bruce, a short he has been working on for awhile now that we are rethinking/reimagining.  It will be gritty, raw, a doc-style narrative.  It is exciting thinking about it and working on it.

I am working on something else that is based on my life in my early 20's, but also bringing in elements of poetry, memory, dreams... More on the experimental side than anything I've worked on since college (which was all experimental, Maya Deren-inspired type stuff).

There is still my feature about the doctor I knew as a child, near and dear to my heart.  Co-written with Bruce.

I am beginning to edit a music video I shot for a friend in the fall.  Experimental.  Lo-fi.  Exciting.

I feel the desire to do different creative things.  Sand squishing through my toes, running, arms out, salt water on my skin, a huge goofy smile on my face, free.  Broad strokes of paint with all different materials on a HUGE canvas, no worries about being in the lines or making a mess.  Peeking in on interesting characters with a still camera, an i-phone, a movie camera and not worrying about the outcome or the audience, just exploring, intuiting, dreaming, expressing.

I would love to act in someone else's piece, something that stretches me.

Want to get outside now that spring is coming and see the trees and flowers and hiking trails.

Miranda continues to be a joy and an inspiration.

I'm going to keep it short and sweet.  Wishing everyone a beautiful end of winter/beginning of spring.

Moss

(From 2003)

I can smell the moss lit by the water on the treetrunks coming down from the mountain the moss wet and dark like my insides not fully lit in this sunlit summer of rain.  I walk down the path looking for a sign that I’m going the right way.  I can’t figure it out but the moss but the moss I smell it so strong and it takes me to that place that nobody can take away.  When will I be free?  When will I let myself be me?  I am tired of this constant struggle my feet are sore from trying to hold up this façade I am a human being strong and free but I wear the mask of the day-to-day, taking trivialities too seriously, giving my energy over to the rush the ride of the streets clamoring through to find my way more quickly to the place that sucks my insides like sap.  I will grow again I will shine through I will find my way to the hidden spring in the forest and the moss she will cover me like a soft green blanket, cool in the summer sunshine, beautiful oh so beautiful to feel her softness covering me, protecting me from the thick layer of skin I have developed.  It is time to let it go take it off unzip it rend it from my body I want to have my own skin now, marred and delicate as it may be, that’s what I want to face the world with, taking in all stimuli that it wants to give me.  Plunge into the waterfall with my arms spread like wings, drinking in the rush of the water, throwing my head back in ecstasy.

Can one be a balaboosta and a filmmaker at the same time?

A question I was pondering today.  A character based on a true person in a feature script I've been working on for years was described thusly: "Housekeeping was not her strong suit".  Things were dusty, out of order, sometimes chickens presented themselves in the dining room during dinner parties.  However, this woman and her husband worked respectively as a teacher and doctor and did incredible work for the community on a daily basis, and raised 5 children.  Housekeeping wasn't the first thing on her list.

Yes, it feels good to have a clean bathroom (did this today), a vacuumed living room (did this today also), and a sparkling kitchen (not done yet).  Undusty corners, no piles of papers, a clean stove bottom, a really cozy-feeling bedroom would all be lovely additions to my (and my family's) life/ves.  However, there are a limited number of hours in the day.

A typical day might look like this: Roll out of bed, get Miranda ready for school, take her there, come straight home, work for 1 1/2 hours on the computer, go back to get her, go to a playdate or ballet lesson or museum or trader joe's or to visit Bruce at work, come home and make dinner, do homework, do our own "home school pre school" (yesterday we did Inuit people, historically and present-day), play, dance, read books, talk on Skype to family, write thank you cards... You catch the drift.  About once a week there is time to clean, and to REALLY do a good job cleaning it would take about 5 hours I'm estimating.  Hmmm..... Which of the above would I limit in order to be able to do that?

It's all a balancing act.  I do make homemade meals a few times a week.  I mend from time to time.  Have a sewing machine given to me by my mother in law which has never been taken out of its box.  Have boxes of knitting supplies which never really took off in my household.

When Miranda goes to sleep and before Bruce gets home from work, it is my time to consider, think, reflect, dream.  And work.  Festival submissions, emails, writing, etc. flow from my fingers to the computer.  It is valuable time.

My mother-in-law complimented a dear friend of mine at my wedding that she was a "Balaboosta".  Highest compliment possible from her point of view.  My mother, upon hearing the definition, instantly said "Emilie is a Balaboosta".  How kind of her.

Here is the definition (from http://beabalaboosta.blogspot.com): Balaboosta (n.)(bah-lah-b00-sta) A Yiddish term meaning the perfect housewife, homemaker, wonderful mother, cook, and gracious hostess. She does it all and does it well.

Can one be a balaboosta and a filmmaker at the same time?  Perhaps one of these lovely women who are able to juggle multiple things and do them all well.  I am not quite that.  I am a decent cook and hostess and wife.  Housewife/homemaker, maybe not a 10.  But as far as a mother, I strive to do the best job I possibly can, at the expense of perfectly dusted picture frames and a sparkling white stovetop.

From October 15, 2012

From October 15, 2012:

It’s been some time.  Have been very focused on completing “Crossing the River” the last few months.  My wonderful editor Matt was there for the whole ride, trying this, trying that, tweaking this, moving that, until finally, I feel very strongly about the film.  There is a particular scene that was tried in two completely different sections of the film, giving a different feeling to the entire piece.  Many people liked it in the beginning of the film – starting it out with a bang.  Many people liked it towards the end as I originally had it – something to build up to.  I finally tuned out all the (very-helpful) voices and listened to my heart.

I have no idea whether the completed film will appear in festivals, will win any awards, or garner any huge amount of attention.  All I know is, it feels like my work, my vision, my painting.  I feel that has to be at the top of the list (of granted, many other important aspects of filmmaking) for the final cut – can the filmmaker live with it and stand behind it?  Yes, I can.

 Miranda has now started school.  She loves it.  I think she was finally ready for it and embraces it with open arms and heart.  She’s made a new friend who she adores.  It is all very sweet.

I am able to get dribs and drabs of work done during the short 2 ½ hours she is in school… minus the driving time to and from at the beginning and end…

I am now preparing 2 separate feature scripts for development to be ready by December.  Am going to practice BEST USE OF TIME.

There is one other thing I really wanted to discuss.  It is: does the filmmaker believe in herself and her vision?  And when I say herself, I do mean herself.  I feel that some women have a natural confidence and brazenness, and I have met many of them throughout my life.  But I would say that many more have to constantly work at it.. it is not something that was taught to us or comes naturally.

When I was about to direct my last short film in 2010, I remember looking online for resources about leadership for women directors.  I couldn’t find anything.  I asked female filmmaker friends and that was very helpful.  The rest I have learned through directing that film (“Other People’s Houses”) and then the next one (“Crossing the River”).

There isn’t a course on Women Directors and Leadership that I know of.  If there is, I want to take it.

In the meantime, this is what I have learned:

1) Block out all the voices in your head that question your ability to lead, even if they are comments from well-meaning friends (i.e. “I never pictured you as a director”, etc.).  Keep only the positive feedback at the forefront of your mind when preparing to direct, when directing, when talking about directing, when talking about your project, when sending emails, etc.
2) Believe in yourself.  To quote the words of Martha Graham (which my amazing acting teacher Fred Kareman often used to quote): “There is a vitality, a life force, a quickening that is translated through you into action, and there is only one of you in all time. This expression is unique, and if you block it, it will never exist through any other medium; and be lost. The world will not have it./It is not your business to determine how good it is, not how it compares with other expression. It is your business to keep it yours clearly and directly, to keep the channel open. You have to keep open and aware directly to the urges that motivate you. Keep the channel open./No artist is pleased. There is no satisfaction whatever at any time. There is only a queer, divine dissatisfaction, a blessed unrest that keeps us marching and makes us more alive than the others.”
3) When on the set, integrate all the best parts of yourself.  Keep your thoughts on the work at hand and the meaning of the film.  Also learn to juggle the varying needs of your cast, crew, producers, and in my case, family. 
4) Get as much sleep as you can.  Difficult but one can try.
5) Through all the challenges (and there WILL be challenges), keep a positive outlook throughout.  You are living out your dream of directing a film.  Savor the moment.
6) Don’t be afraid to be assertive.  It is in fact necessary at moments.
7) See #2.

Thank you for reading…….. plan to write more regularly here, as I enjoy it.

Emilie

-        

post-shoot

Hey there,

Have been so busy writing posts for Kickstarter, Facebook, the crossing the river website, Twitter, that I haven't gotten to filmmaker mama for awhile. It is so specific, dealing with being a mama and a filmmaker.. those thoughts are a little different than the thoughts having to do specifically with the shoot.

I will say this: After directing "Crossing the River" I am certain I am capable of directing a feature film. This is very meaningful and profound to me. It happened without my realizing it during the shoot, but it hit me at one point and it was an exhilarating feeling. I felt I was able to really work with the actors in a specific and personal way; had a great collaboration and communication with my DP; and had a very strong sense of the story I wanted to tell and how I wanted it to look, and for the most part was able to communicate that.

Miranda and Bruce were with me in South Carolina during the shoot. Bruce was playing one of the lead roles in the film, but was only needed for about a day and a half of the four day shoot. I also needed him for rehearsals on Monday and Wednesday afternoons (the shoot was Thursday-Sunday). Now mind you, I do realize that there are MANY MANY filmmaker mamas out there. I also realize that at the moment I am in a situation where it is a mite bit challenging because we don't have the resources to hire a babysitter to come with us on the shoot (although this is a goal for the next film) or even for much else of the time.

Soooo... this is how it was handled: For the most part Bruce and Miranda hung out in South Carolina. They got lots of Daddy-Miranda time which they normally don't get as much of in NYC because Bruce works so damn much. So they went to the zoo, the children's museum, the Lorax movie, the Winnie the Pooh garden, a train, a birthday party, and to countless coffee shops and restaurants. They actually had a fabulous time. And our kind friend Jane let us stay in the bottom floor of her house (with a separate entrance), making EVERYTHING so much easier to handle during this possibly-stressful time.

Okay... Rehearsals: Martha hung out with Miranda a bit.. in the ROOM where we were rehearsing. So there were moments during the read-through when Miranda was talking, wanted my attention, wanted Bruce's attention, etc. I tried to make a joke about it and said "this is what I write about in my blog!" It really wasn't too bad though. During intense moments of rehearsal (the film is definitely not for small kids), I tried to have her go into the other room with Martha and with Hayley, our wardrobe supervisor. There were moments she came wandering in still. No biggie.

During the shoot, when Bruce was acting and I was directing, it was challenging. Martha watched her at moments, but she had other things she needed to take care of. Tammy watched her at moments, but she's my Co-Producer and was wearing many other hats. Dessa, 1st AD, also watched her at moments but I don't think this was in the job description! Not ideal circumstances, but we made it work. Martha, Tammy and Dessa, if you are reading this - thank you!!!!!!! There were moments on the set when we had "QUIET ON THE SET!!!" and it was Miranda screaming in another room. Mostly, it all worked out. And many days Bruce and Miranda were traipsing around on their adventures.

There was only one moment when I had to leave my directing post at the monitor and hang out with Miranda in the car (during an outdoor shoot) until she was quiet. She had seen a fly in the car and was freaked out. I finally calmed her down and was able to return to my job (Dessa was with her of course!). It was luckily during a shot of an CU insert of an action. But not ideal. Much better than the moment during my last film "Other People's Houses" when I actually had to go.home.to.breastfeed.miranda.because.she.was.having.a.meltdown. That was a really tough moment. I had to walk away during a moment of the film I really needed to be directing.

Miranda is no longer breastfeeding. And the older she gets, I think the easier this is gonna get. She'll probably be able to hang out on the set and just relax.

I'm still learning too. It's a really interesting process. I'm glad she gets to see what I do, what my passion is. It means a lot to me as well.

A jumble of thoughts, but to me that's what this blog is for.............

Love on a Thursday evening of ruminations---

Emilie

(okay, in the photo can you see Miranda behind Bruce on the truck? :) - that's me on the right and everyone else are the amazing actors Michelle, Tyler and Landon)

a girl can dream..

nap time

The day before a holiday weekend.. always a bit of a struggle to relax, when there are pages to be edited, shoots to be planned, grants to be applied for.. the to-do list is never-ending for a filmmaker.. My daughter is taking a rare nap. I have been co-organizing a film screening for the past few months and it will come to a head next weekend, september 10th: www.flicksinthegarden.com. There has been much planning and details surrounding that. It has been a good learning experience (although I've organized many events before, including a remixed media film festival, a theater company, fundraisers, etc.). We've partnered with the local Business Improvement District, another film festival, and the local private park to create this unique event, and I do feel like it will have an artistic stamp on it. My short film (with my daughter and I also acting in it) "Other People's Houses" will play the event.. probably the last screening I will actively pursue for this film. Time to prepare for upcoming projects.. my husband's short film coming up soon.. my own new short film to shoot next March in South Carolina.. and the feature we are co-writing and I will direct that we will begin actively fundraising for this month. Now, to nap or to work on the script? Probably the latter..