filmmaker mama.. uh-huh.

Filmmaker mama... uh-huh. I think that's what it means when you have been working your buns off on a film for over a year and it is the first day of shooting and... you are at home with your sick child. Miranda is asleep on the couch right now. She has a virus which has to run its course and usually lasts a week. She can't go to school until she has been fever-free for 24 hours. It is Wednesday and we are shooting through Saturday. She has had fever since Saturday night. Her fever is still at 101. At this point I know I won't be on set tomorrow either. We shall see about Friday and Saturday. Of course, if I was directing, I would be on set and Bruce would be home with Miranda. But since I am co-writer and producer of this one.. and also a mama.. I am at home looking at pictures on my cell phone of what is happening on set. I am trying to be Zen about it. Things have been criz-azy the last few weeks preparing for this moment. And now things are.. ever so quiet in our apartment. I am thankful that Miranda is in good spirits. And I am thankful that it sounds like things are going well on set. And also very thankful that our 2 week Kickstarter campaign was funded before it ended last night. The film is called MUCK. I am very much a part of the fact that this film is filming right now. I can only practice letting go now. And perhaps can take a moment to think about the next project I will direct.

With love... filmmaker mama Emilie.

 on set - Tallie Medel as Mel, photo taken by Janice Erlbaum

at home - Miranda as herself, photo taken by her mama

filmmaker papa

Hi there --

Have been wanting to write awhile about my dear husband Bruce.  He works 60 hours a week and doesn't have as much time as he used to to act, write, make films... He is an amazing talent which I knew from the very first moment I met him when he was doing a one man show about 5 New York characters at the Zephyr Theater in Los Angeles. He is incredibly supportive of my choices to both stay home with Miranda and to make films.  And this must be acknowledged as all of this would be EXTREMELY difficult to say the least without his support.  It is hard enough as it is to do something meaningful with one's time.  But without support it could seem like an unclimbable hill.

Bruce is constantly sending me ideas of things to do with my films, people to contact, creative ideas, things to remember, and more.  He not only acted in "Crossing the River" (his role of Ted was described as a "slovenly middle-aged white man" - "Thanks" he said - he does not fit this description at all btw), but he spent most of the prep and shoot week in South Carolina hanging with Miranda so I could solely focus on directing the film.  He is an amazing father (truly), as anyone who sees him with her comments, but to be with a 4 year old full time and not be used to it is not a straightforwardly easy task.  They went to the zoo, movies, gardens, museums, and even a birthday party.  The car when I saw it each day was a mountain of food wrappers, dirty clothing, crumbs, and other trash.  I had to simply accept it and smile at the great effort that was being expended.  In the middle of all this he played the role of Ted and did a marvelous job.

Now we are once again co-writing a short (we co-wrote the short film "My Elena" a few years back and also our feature script "Buckle My Soul") which is grounded in the NY underground comedy world.  We plan to shoot in August.  I am excited.  We grab the little time we can with his cri-zazy work schedule.  The 2 hours when Miranda is in school.  Late at night.  On the phone.

Bruce is there when I need him with presence, attention, and smarts.  He has been for years, and continues to be.  This means a lot.

Thank you for your love, passion and support, filmmaker papa.  You are my warm light and I love and appreciate you so very much.

Em

If I won the lottery

What would you do if you won the lottery?  What if money were no object?  Within this seemingly superficial question are answers that are closest to a person's heart: one's deepest values, inner dreams and desires.

For me, here are my thoughts in answer to that question.

I would continue to do exactly what I'm doing.

I would continue to spend time with my daughter and make films.

However, I would be able to make exactly the films I wanted to make without having to wait around.  There would still be no way around the process of writing.  But knowing that once the writing was complete and the crewing up was done that the film would be made would be a freeing feeling.  We could shoot films in other locations and spend months there in research, rehearsal, and pre-production.  I could hire a lovely person to help watch Miranda while on set.  There are many things as far as the quality of the filmmaking that could be helped.

But as I said, the basic process would be the same.  Write a good script.  Keep working at it.  Then get people excited about helping to tell that story.

Other things to do with the lottery money?

Help my Mom and other family members, donate to worthwhile charities close to my heart, own a place to live for my own family (preferably one in the country and another lovely place in Greenwich Village or Brooklyn), and take our whole extended family on a tropical vacation (a dream for a very long time).

I am probably forgetting some things, but to me those are the most important.

Truly, I have everything I need.  A loving husband, an incredibly special daughter, an amazing family, true and dear friends, a roof over my head and food to eat.  And the ability to write and create films.

Oregon, 1970's

Can one be a balaboosta and a filmmaker at the same time?

A question I was pondering today.  A character based on a true person in a feature script I've been working on for years was described thusly: "Housekeeping was not her strong suit".  Things were dusty, out of order, sometimes chickens presented themselves in the dining room during dinner parties.  However, this woman and her husband worked respectively as a teacher and doctor and did incredible work for the community on a daily basis, and raised 5 children.  Housekeeping wasn't the first thing on her list.

Yes, it feels good to have a clean bathroom (did this today), a vacuumed living room (did this today also), and a sparkling kitchen (not done yet).  Undusty corners, no piles of papers, a clean stove bottom, a really cozy-feeling bedroom would all be lovely additions to my (and my family's) life/ves.  However, there are a limited number of hours in the day.

A typical day might look like this: Roll out of bed, get Miranda ready for school, take her there, come straight home, work for 1 1/2 hours on the computer, go back to get her, go to a playdate or ballet lesson or museum or trader joe's or to visit Bruce at work, come home and make dinner, do homework, do our own "home school pre school" (yesterday we did Inuit people, historically and present-day), play, dance, read books, talk on Skype to family, write thank you cards... You catch the drift.  About once a week there is time to clean, and to REALLY do a good job cleaning it would take about 5 hours I'm estimating.  Hmmm..... Which of the above would I limit in order to be able to do that?

It's all a balancing act.  I do make homemade meals a few times a week.  I mend from time to time.  Have a sewing machine given to me by my mother in law which has never been taken out of its box.  Have boxes of knitting supplies which never really took off in my household.

When Miranda goes to sleep and before Bruce gets home from work, it is my time to consider, think, reflect, dream.  And work.  Festival submissions, emails, writing, etc. flow from my fingers to the computer.  It is valuable time.

My mother-in-law complimented a dear friend of mine at my wedding that she was a "Balaboosta".  Highest compliment possible from her point of view.  My mother, upon hearing the definition, instantly said "Emilie is a Balaboosta".  How kind of her.

Here is the definition (from http://beabalaboosta.blogspot.com): Balaboosta (n.)(bah-lah-b00-sta) A Yiddish term meaning the perfect housewife, homemaker, wonderful mother, cook, and gracious hostess. She does it all and does it well.

Can one be a balaboosta and a filmmaker at the same time?  Perhaps one of these lovely women who are able to juggle multiple things and do them all well.  I am not quite that.  I am a decent cook and hostess and wife.  Housewife/homemaker, maybe not a 10.  But as far as a mother, I strive to do the best job I possibly can, at the expense of perfectly dusted picture frames and a sparkling white stovetop.

films that have moved me

Thinking of inspirations, moments of clarity and insight, revelations, revolutions of the mind and heart, soft fingers creating tunes of eternal art across the sky...

"The Double Life of Veronique"--I saw this just out of film school in L.A.  First time ever living by myself.  It was difficult to pound the pavement to get paid work and to be alone save for new acquaintances and one troubled relationship.  I saw this film and it took me into another breathless world.  I felt I could relate to having a doppelganger, someone who I felt deeply connected to without ever having met them.  The acting by Irene Jacob hit me like a ton of bricks when I saw it.  I was completely mesmerized with everything about the film and was the next several times I saw it.  I watched it again about 10 years later and it didn't hit me in quite the same way.  But I will always have a soft spot in my heart for this film.

"Gas Food Lodging" - Believe I was also in Los Angeles when I saw this at the theater when it was released.  I related to it.  It was about a single mom and her kids living without much money in the New Mexico desert.  Completely relatable from my point of view.  And the protagonist, played by Fairuza Balk, loved new wave and fell unwittingly in love with a gay boy, as I did in high school.  I love the relationship between the sisters and the mom, and the journey of both daughters throughout the film.  I love Allison Anders.  I love female protagonists.  I cannot wait to make my film about growing up with my own single mom and brother traveling around the country in a red VW bus throughout my childhood.  I think this film was an inspiration for me because I could recognize something from myself and my own life up there within an amazing film.

"Nashville" - Saw this on DVD about 10 years ago, maybe a bit less.  Was tipsy after a dinner party the first time.  I could not believe what I was seeing; my jaw dropped open in awe.  Watched it the next day without the influence of wine and was still in awe.  I loved how Altman was able to meld realistic performances with music (original and written for the film and performed by ACTORS not singers) that felt like it was from Nashville with an interweaving and interesting storyline with news from the day (constantly hearing it on the radio from loudspeakers on cars and other places throughout the film).... I love that it feels almost like a documentary as opposed to a narrative film and doesn't feel it has to fit into a structure.  It appeals to everything I love about films and captures something that is unique and true.  I would love to act in something like this and also to direct something that feels as loose and creative and free and honest.  Bruce and I still play and sing tunes from this.. "Keep A'Goin'" is a CLASSIC.

"L'Avventura" - This was the first Antonioni film I ever watched.  How beautiful and unique.  What incredible acting by Monica Vitti.  I felt she captured what it feels like to be in love and what it feels like to be betrayed.  And the way Antonioni chose to tell this story, through vistas of water and mountains and architecture and sweeping halls..... It made the feelings of the characters come out all the more.  It is like reading an amazing children's book.. the story and pictures complement each other until there is a feeling growing inside that must be released in tears.

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I am not able to see as many films as I would like any more.  Still a full time caretaker of my daughter (save for the 2 1/2 hours when she's in school when she's not sick), my limited free time is spent working on projects.  I try and fit films in when I can.  Recently somehow I managed to see "Lincoln" (loved it), "Les Mis" (hated it, walked out), "Rust and Bone" (eh, I'd give it a 1), and "Clean" (not bad.. had some moments I liked and some what felt like truthful insight into what it's like to be a heroin addict and musician but ultimately just okay), but there are so many more I'd like to see (in the theaters: "Amour", "Silver Linings Playbook", "Zero Dark Thirty", etc., and sooooooo many on Netflix).  Mostly I want to see films that recently played festivals that are not yet available on DVD.  I have to patiently wait until they are available and view them in snatches of time here and there on my 19" tv set or computer.  I am not complaining.. not really... I still get GREAT joy out of watching a sublime film and it is like eating candy or chocolate or coconut cream pie or getting a new dress that is divine.  I just don't get to do it as often as I'd like.

However, I do get to spend time with my daughter and to be a filmmaker.  And that is enough for now. Balancing it with joy, fun, open-ended creativity, and exercise is my challenge and goal.

From October 15, 2012

From October 15, 2012:

It’s been some time.  Have been very focused on completing “Crossing the River” the last few months.  My wonderful editor Matt was there for the whole ride, trying this, trying that, tweaking this, moving that, until finally, I feel very strongly about the film.  There is a particular scene that was tried in two completely different sections of the film, giving a different feeling to the entire piece.  Many people liked it in the beginning of the film – starting it out with a bang.  Many people liked it towards the end as I originally had it – something to build up to.  I finally tuned out all the (very-helpful) voices and listened to my heart.

I have no idea whether the completed film will appear in festivals, will win any awards, or garner any huge amount of attention.  All I know is, it feels like my work, my vision, my painting.  I feel that has to be at the top of the list (of granted, many other important aspects of filmmaking) for the final cut – can the filmmaker live with it and stand behind it?  Yes, I can.

 Miranda has now started school.  She loves it.  I think she was finally ready for it and embraces it with open arms and heart.  She’s made a new friend who she adores.  It is all very sweet.

I am able to get dribs and drabs of work done during the short 2 ½ hours she is in school… minus the driving time to and from at the beginning and end…

I am now preparing 2 separate feature scripts for development to be ready by December.  Am going to practice BEST USE OF TIME.

There is one other thing I really wanted to discuss.  It is: does the filmmaker believe in herself and her vision?  And when I say herself, I do mean herself.  I feel that some women have a natural confidence and brazenness, and I have met many of them throughout my life.  But I would say that many more have to constantly work at it.. it is not something that was taught to us or comes naturally.

When I was about to direct my last short film in 2010, I remember looking online for resources about leadership for women directors.  I couldn’t find anything.  I asked female filmmaker friends and that was very helpful.  The rest I have learned through directing that film (“Other People’s Houses”) and then the next one (“Crossing the River”).

There isn’t a course on Women Directors and Leadership that I know of.  If there is, I want to take it.

In the meantime, this is what I have learned:

1) Block out all the voices in your head that question your ability to lead, even if they are comments from well-meaning friends (i.e. “I never pictured you as a director”, etc.).  Keep only the positive feedback at the forefront of your mind when preparing to direct, when directing, when talking about directing, when talking about your project, when sending emails, etc.
2) Believe in yourself.  To quote the words of Martha Graham (which my amazing acting teacher Fred Kareman often used to quote): “There is a vitality, a life force, a quickening that is translated through you into action, and there is only one of you in all time. This expression is unique, and if you block it, it will never exist through any other medium; and be lost. The world will not have it./It is not your business to determine how good it is, not how it compares with other expression. It is your business to keep it yours clearly and directly, to keep the channel open. You have to keep open and aware directly to the urges that motivate you. Keep the channel open./No artist is pleased. There is no satisfaction whatever at any time. There is only a queer, divine dissatisfaction, a blessed unrest that keeps us marching and makes us more alive than the others.”
3) When on the set, integrate all the best parts of yourself.  Keep your thoughts on the work at hand and the meaning of the film.  Also learn to juggle the varying needs of your cast, crew, producers, and in my case, family. 
4) Get as much sleep as you can.  Difficult but one can try.
5) Through all the challenges (and there WILL be challenges), keep a positive outlook throughout.  You are living out your dream of directing a film.  Savor the moment.
6) Don’t be afraid to be assertive.  It is in fact necessary at moments.
7) See #2.

Thank you for reading…….. plan to write more regularly here, as I enjoy it.

Emilie

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