New Year

New year.  Getting over a 10 day cold.  Tired.  Looking forward to being excited again.  Getting there. I want to be able to be completely honest here but yet am aware anyone can look at this blog.  Still..... here goes.  I have been working for over a year on "Crossing the River".  It would be incredibly exciting to have a festival announcement soon.  As of yet, that is not the case.  Many many people have worked on the film, donated to the film, been a champion of the film.  I would say that thousands of hours have been put in with an eye towards the film's ultimate success.  I would love to be able to say that the film will be seen by many many people, will be discussed, thought about, that people's eyes will be opened to the fact that cross burnings still exist, that people are rallying around prevention of cross burnings and around other anti-racism efforts as a direct result of having seen the film.

As I come out of my sickness, I am looking towards this new year.  There is still much work to be done on CTR, screenings to be organized, people to be contacted, festivals yet to enter.  At the same time, I am thinking about my next project.  There are several ideas kicking around, both completed feature scripts, and mere ideas........  I am a person who usually knows what she is doing next.  It is an interesting place to be to not be completely sure.  I will keep you posted.

Wishing everyone a beautiful 2013.  Wishing clarity, peace, clear communication, a sense of your own self-worth, a feeling of meaning and connection to all humanity, and of course much love, health, joy and creativity.  Abundance in all things to the point where it is absolutely necessary to share it.

Love,
Emilie

p.s. My new website: http://www.emiliemcdonald.com
p.p.s. Miranda just turned 5!!!!!!!!!!

From October 15, 2012

From October 15, 2012:

It’s been some time.  Have been very focused on completing “Crossing the River” the last few months.  My wonderful editor Matt was there for the whole ride, trying this, trying that, tweaking this, moving that, until finally, I feel very strongly about the film.  There is a particular scene that was tried in two completely different sections of the film, giving a different feeling to the entire piece.  Many people liked it in the beginning of the film – starting it out with a bang.  Many people liked it towards the end as I originally had it – something to build up to.  I finally tuned out all the (very-helpful) voices and listened to my heart.

I have no idea whether the completed film will appear in festivals, will win any awards, or garner any huge amount of attention.  All I know is, it feels like my work, my vision, my painting.  I feel that has to be at the top of the list (of granted, many other important aspects of filmmaking) for the final cut – can the filmmaker live with it and stand behind it?  Yes, I can.

 Miranda has now started school.  She loves it.  I think she was finally ready for it and embraces it with open arms and heart.  She’s made a new friend who she adores.  It is all very sweet.

I am able to get dribs and drabs of work done during the short 2 ½ hours she is in school… minus the driving time to and from at the beginning and end…

I am now preparing 2 separate feature scripts for development to be ready by December.  Am going to practice BEST USE OF TIME.

There is one other thing I really wanted to discuss.  It is: does the filmmaker believe in herself and her vision?  And when I say herself, I do mean herself.  I feel that some women have a natural confidence and brazenness, and I have met many of them throughout my life.  But I would say that many more have to constantly work at it.. it is not something that was taught to us or comes naturally.

When I was about to direct my last short film in 2010, I remember looking online for resources about leadership for women directors.  I couldn’t find anything.  I asked female filmmaker friends and that was very helpful.  The rest I have learned through directing that film (“Other People’s Houses”) and then the next one (“Crossing the River”).

There isn’t a course on Women Directors and Leadership that I know of.  If there is, I want to take it.

In the meantime, this is what I have learned:

1) Block out all the voices in your head that question your ability to lead, even if they are comments from well-meaning friends (i.e. “I never pictured you as a director”, etc.).  Keep only the positive feedback at the forefront of your mind when preparing to direct, when directing, when talking about directing, when talking about your project, when sending emails, etc.
2) Believe in yourself.  To quote the words of Martha Graham (which my amazing acting teacher Fred Kareman often used to quote): “There is a vitality, a life force, a quickening that is translated through you into action, and there is only one of you in all time. This expression is unique, and if you block it, it will never exist through any other medium; and be lost. The world will not have it./It is not your business to determine how good it is, not how it compares with other expression. It is your business to keep it yours clearly and directly, to keep the channel open. You have to keep open and aware directly to the urges that motivate you. Keep the channel open./No artist is pleased. There is no satisfaction whatever at any time. There is only a queer, divine dissatisfaction, a blessed unrest that keeps us marching and makes us more alive than the others.”
3) When on the set, integrate all the best parts of yourself.  Keep your thoughts on the work at hand and the meaning of the film.  Also learn to juggle the varying needs of your cast, crew, producers, and in my case, family. 
4) Get as much sleep as you can.  Difficult but one can try.
5) Through all the challenges (and there WILL be challenges), keep a positive outlook throughout.  You are living out your dream of directing a film.  Savor the moment.
6) Don’t be afraid to be assertive.  It is in fact necessary at moments.
7) See #2.

Thank you for reading…….. plan to write more regularly here, as I enjoy it.

Emilie

-        

post-shoot

Hey there,

Have been so busy writing posts for Kickstarter, Facebook, the crossing the river website, Twitter, that I haven't gotten to filmmaker mama for awhile. It is so specific, dealing with being a mama and a filmmaker.. those thoughts are a little different than the thoughts having to do specifically with the shoot.

I will say this: After directing "Crossing the River" I am certain I am capable of directing a feature film. This is very meaningful and profound to me. It happened without my realizing it during the shoot, but it hit me at one point and it was an exhilarating feeling. I felt I was able to really work with the actors in a specific and personal way; had a great collaboration and communication with my DP; and had a very strong sense of the story I wanted to tell and how I wanted it to look, and for the most part was able to communicate that.

Miranda and Bruce were with me in South Carolina during the shoot. Bruce was playing one of the lead roles in the film, but was only needed for about a day and a half of the four day shoot. I also needed him for rehearsals on Monday and Wednesday afternoons (the shoot was Thursday-Sunday). Now mind you, I do realize that there are MANY MANY filmmaker mamas out there. I also realize that at the moment I am in a situation where it is a mite bit challenging because we don't have the resources to hire a babysitter to come with us on the shoot (although this is a goal for the next film) or even for much else of the time.

Soooo... this is how it was handled: For the most part Bruce and Miranda hung out in South Carolina. They got lots of Daddy-Miranda time which they normally don't get as much of in NYC because Bruce works so damn much. So they went to the zoo, the children's museum, the Lorax movie, the Winnie the Pooh garden, a train, a birthday party, and to countless coffee shops and restaurants. They actually had a fabulous time. And our kind friend Jane let us stay in the bottom floor of her house (with a separate entrance), making EVERYTHING so much easier to handle during this possibly-stressful time.

Okay... Rehearsals: Martha hung out with Miranda a bit.. in the ROOM where we were rehearsing. So there were moments during the read-through when Miranda was talking, wanted my attention, wanted Bruce's attention, etc. I tried to make a joke about it and said "this is what I write about in my blog!" It really wasn't too bad though. During intense moments of rehearsal (the film is definitely not for small kids), I tried to have her go into the other room with Martha and with Hayley, our wardrobe supervisor. There were moments she came wandering in still. No biggie.

During the shoot, when Bruce was acting and I was directing, it was challenging. Martha watched her at moments, but she had other things she needed to take care of. Tammy watched her at moments, but she's my Co-Producer and was wearing many other hats. Dessa, 1st AD, also watched her at moments but I don't think this was in the job description! Not ideal circumstances, but we made it work. Martha, Tammy and Dessa, if you are reading this - thank you!!!!!!! There were moments on the set when we had "QUIET ON THE SET!!!" and it was Miranda screaming in another room. Mostly, it all worked out. And many days Bruce and Miranda were traipsing around on their adventures.

There was only one moment when I had to leave my directing post at the monitor and hang out with Miranda in the car (during an outdoor shoot) until she was quiet. She had seen a fly in the car and was freaked out. I finally calmed her down and was able to return to my job (Dessa was with her of course!). It was luckily during a shot of an CU insert of an action. But not ideal. Much better than the moment during my last film "Other People's Houses" when I actually had to go.home.to.breastfeed.miranda.because.she.was.having.a.meltdown. That was a really tough moment. I had to walk away during a moment of the film I really needed to be directing.

Miranda is no longer breastfeeding. And the older she gets, I think the easier this is gonna get. She'll probably be able to hang out on the set and just relax.

I'm still learning too. It's a really interesting process. I'm glad she gets to see what I do, what my passion is. It means a lot to me as well.

A jumble of thoughts, but to me that's what this blog is for.............

Love on a Thursday evening of ruminations---

Emilie

(okay, in the photo can you see Miranda behind Bruce on the truck? :) - that's me on the right and everyone else are the amazing actors Michelle, Tyler and Landon)

images

Some photos that are reminiscent of the feel i am going for in "Crossing the River". The bottom one is by my dear friend Julie Simmons Leite. The top two are commercial use photos I found using Yahoo's image search Creative Commons filter. Honestly, I am posting these here because I have to add photos to IndieGoGo and they have to be linked online, and I know no other way to do so!!!

More images are on the "Crossing the River" Tumblr page here.

Not much to report. Miranda is still enjoying school. It is windy and cold here in NYC, but still doesn't feel as cold as it should be in January. Ironing out details of the shoot. Looks like it may be in rural NY or NJ instead of South Carolina. More soon.

giving thanks

Realize I didn't say here how grateful I am to all the folks who contributed in myriad ways to the Kickstarter campaign for "Crossing the River". We raised over $15,000!!! Amazing to me. Friends from my childhood, from high school, college, Los Angeles, NYC, acting class, mama friends, family, friends of family.. the list truly goes on. Also my incredible producers brought on friends and family to donate as well. A few people who were new to us also donated. Perhaps they read about the campaign through all the amazingly supportive people who were posting about it non-stop on Facebook and Twitter, emailing about it, articles and interviews about us in Her Film and Queens Mamas, posts on blogs such as loveisntenough and beehivehairdresser.. friends were literally checking the stats on the site as much as I was, and doing the countdown with me. I don't know if I've ever experienced such a phenomenon before. People donated generously (and believe me, I know, for some $10 is a very generous donation), increased their donations, supported me and the project in more ways than I can say. We reached our goal. *Wow* Thank you.

It is January now. 2 months away from the shoot. Trying to determine (this week) whether we will shoot in SC (need another $15K) or NY (more likely), reaching out to DP's, refining the script, and millions of other details I need not bore you with.

Miranda started school today. Only for 2 hours, and it will only be twice a week. When I picked her up, she had a big smile in her face as she showed me her project (coloring mittens). When I asked her if she had a good time, her huge grin said it all.

It is not a huge amount of free time to work, but it is a start. And as I've explained before, I make it work in other ways.

She told me she wanted to be in my next movie, and say "aaaaaaah"! Sweet. Gotta write that into something soon.

Oh, and by the way, she turned 4 last week!!!!!!! I truly cannot believe it.

Love, thanks, blessings.

Emilie

(photo above by Hunter Desportes)

the right thing

Miranda got a little book about angels for a stocking gift.  One of them was the Angel of Wisdom, who "always knows the right thing to do".  I need that angel at times.  The Kickstarter push was awkward at times, reaching out to friends and family for help.  It still felt right though, as I fully believe in the project.  Doing the votey shmotey thing feels perhaps not right though.  There are other things throughout the days and weeks that don't feel right.  Sometimes it is a nagging feeling that I'm not quite sure of, other times it's quite obvious what I am uncomfortable with.  I think there is an inner intuition that knows when one is doing the right thing by oneself, by others, by a higher power.  This includes doing the right thing by a project.  I am going to keep working creatively on the script until it feels right.  There are many business things to do, and they will definitely get done, but one must not forget the intuitive part of the process, as that is what everything else springs from.  I am also fully committed to Miranda THRIVING on a daily basis.  Am doing a lot of reading on early childhood and am so inspired.  Vacation is good.  Time to think, look at the stars, reconnect.

kickstarter

I feel I have to at least put a link to my Kickstarter campaign: http://www.kickstarter.com/projects/emiliemcdonald/crossing-the-river for my short film about a modern-day hate crime, and also about understanding and tolerance.

It is been an exceptionally challenging balance of filmmaker and mama these past few weeks.

Hangin' in and I think Miranda is still learning new things each day and getting mucho love.

7 more days, over $7K to raise! I have always been an optimist.. it's a long shot but I am hopeful!!!