Love

As February comes to a close, and the hint of spring is in the air, I get a certain feeling inside that is familiar.  As spring awakens, there is a sense of what has taken place in the past and what will take place again.. and a certain feeling of an irresistible pull towards my true path.  I feel a greater connection during yoga.  To God.  To my inner truth.  To who I've been, who I am, who I am meant to be.

I have spent a lot of time, money, resources, and energy, as have friends, towards making "Crossing the River".  It has been a labor of love.  I hope the film will continue to screen and be a blessing for those who were involved in it, and those it was inspired by.

I am moving towards creative expression once again.  I am working on something with my husband Bruce, a short he has been working on for awhile now that we are rethinking/reimagining.  It will be gritty, raw, a doc-style narrative.  It is exciting thinking about it and working on it.

I am working on something else that is based on my life in my early 20's, but also bringing in elements of poetry, memory, dreams... More on the experimental side than anything I've worked on since college (which was all experimental, Maya Deren-inspired type stuff).

There is still my feature about the doctor I knew as a child, near and dear to my heart.  Co-written with Bruce.

I am beginning to edit a music video I shot for a friend in the fall.  Experimental.  Lo-fi.  Exciting.

I feel the desire to do different creative things.  Sand squishing through my toes, running, arms out, salt water on my skin, a huge goofy smile on my face, free.  Broad strokes of paint with all different materials on a HUGE canvas, no worries about being in the lines or making a mess.  Peeking in on interesting characters with a still camera, an i-phone, a movie camera and not worrying about the outcome or the audience, just exploring, intuiting, dreaming, expressing.

I would love to act in someone else's piece, something that stretches me.

Want to get outside now that spring is coming and see the trees and flowers and hiking trails.

Miranda continues to be a joy and an inspiration.

I'm going to keep it short and sweet.  Wishing everyone a beautiful end of winter/beginning of spring.

Moss

(From 2003)

I can smell the moss lit by the water on the treetrunks coming down from the mountain the moss wet and dark like my insides not fully lit in this sunlit summer of rain.  I walk down the path looking for a sign that I’m going the right way.  I can’t figure it out but the moss but the moss I smell it so strong and it takes me to that place that nobody can take away.  When will I be free?  When will I let myself be me?  I am tired of this constant struggle my feet are sore from trying to hold up this façade I am a human being strong and free but I wear the mask of the day-to-day, taking trivialities too seriously, giving my energy over to the rush the ride of the streets clamoring through to find my way more quickly to the place that sucks my insides like sap.  I will grow again I will shine through I will find my way to the hidden spring in the forest and the moss she will cover me like a soft green blanket, cool in the summer sunshine, beautiful oh so beautiful to feel her softness covering me, protecting me from the thick layer of skin I have developed.  It is time to let it go take it off unzip it rend it from my body I want to have my own skin now, marred and delicate as it may be, that’s what I want to face the world with, taking in all stimuli that it wants to give me.  Plunge into the waterfall with my arms spread like wings, drinking in the rush of the water, throwing my head back in ecstasy.

Can one be a balaboosta and a filmmaker at the same time?

A question I was pondering today.  A character based on a true person in a feature script I've been working on for years was described thusly: "Housekeeping was not her strong suit".  Things were dusty, out of order, sometimes chickens presented themselves in the dining room during dinner parties.  However, this woman and her husband worked respectively as a teacher and doctor and did incredible work for the community on a daily basis, and raised 5 children.  Housekeeping wasn't the first thing on her list.

Yes, it feels good to have a clean bathroom (did this today), a vacuumed living room (did this today also), and a sparkling kitchen (not done yet).  Undusty corners, no piles of papers, a clean stove bottom, a really cozy-feeling bedroom would all be lovely additions to my (and my family's) life/ves.  However, there are a limited number of hours in the day.

A typical day might look like this: Roll out of bed, get Miranda ready for school, take her there, come straight home, work for 1 1/2 hours on the computer, go back to get her, go to a playdate or ballet lesson or museum or trader joe's or to visit Bruce at work, come home and make dinner, do homework, do our own "home school pre school" (yesterday we did Inuit people, historically and present-day), play, dance, read books, talk on Skype to family, write thank you cards... You catch the drift.  About once a week there is time to clean, and to REALLY do a good job cleaning it would take about 5 hours I'm estimating.  Hmmm..... Which of the above would I limit in order to be able to do that?

It's all a balancing act.  I do make homemade meals a few times a week.  I mend from time to time.  Have a sewing machine given to me by my mother in law which has never been taken out of its box.  Have boxes of knitting supplies which never really took off in my household.

When Miranda goes to sleep and before Bruce gets home from work, it is my time to consider, think, reflect, dream.  And work.  Festival submissions, emails, writing, etc. flow from my fingers to the computer.  It is valuable time.

My mother-in-law complimented a dear friend of mine at my wedding that she was a "Balaboosta".  Highest compliment possible from her point of view.  My mother, upon hearing the definition, instantly said "Emilie is a Balaboosta".  How kind of her.

Here is the definition (from http://beabalaboosta.blogspot.com): Balaboosta (n.)(bah-lah-b00-sta) A Yiddish term meaning the perfect housewife, homemaker, wonderful mother, cook, and gracious hostess. She does it all and does it well.

Can one be a balaboosta and a filmmaker at the same time?  Perhaps one of these lovely women who are able to juggle multiple things and do them all well.  I am not quite that.  I am a decent cook and hostess and wife.  Housewife/homemaker, maybe not a 10.  But as far as a mother, I strive to do the best job I possibly can, at the expense of perfectly dusted picture frames and a sparkling white stovetop.

films that have moved me

Thinking of inspirations, moments of clarity and insight, revelations, revolutions of the mind and heart, soft fingers creating tunes of eternal art across the sky...

"The Double Life of Veronique"--I saw this just out of film school in L.A.  First time ever living by myself.  It was difficult to pound the pavement to get paid work and to be alone save for new acquaintances and one troubled relationship.  I saw this film and it took me into another breathless world.  I felt I could relate to having a doppelganger, someone who I felt deeply connected to without ever having met them.  The acting by Irene Jacob hit me like a ton of bricks when I saw it.  I was completely mesmerized with everything about the film and was the next several times I saw it.  I watched it again about 10 years later and it didn't hit me in quite the same way.  But I will always have a soft spot in my heart for this film.

"Gas Food Lodging" - Believe I was also in Los Angeles when I saw this at the theater when it was released.  I related to it.  It was about a single mom and her kids living without much money in the New Mexico desert.  Completely relatable from my point of view.  And the protagonist, played by Fairuza Balk, loved new wave and fell unwittingly in love with a gay boy, as I did in high school.  I love the relationship between the sisters and the mom, and the journey of both daughters throughout the film.  I love Allison Anders.  I love female protagonists.  I cannot wait to make my film about growing up with my own single mom and brother traveling around the country in a red VW bus throughout my childhood.  I think this film was an inspiration for me because I could recognize something from myself and my own life up there within an amazing film.

"Nashville" - Saw this on DVD about 10 years ago, maybe a bit less.  Was tipsy after a dinner party the first time.  I could not believe what I was seeing; my jaw dropped open in awe.  Watched it the next day without the influence of wine and was still in awe.  I loved how Altman was able to meld realistic performances with music (original and written for the film and performed by ACTORS not singers) that felt like it was from Nashville with an interweaving and interesting storyline with news from the day (constantly hearing it on the radio from loudspeakers on cars and other places throughout the film).... I love that it feels almost like a documentary as opposed to a narrative film and doesn't feel it has to fit into a structure.  It appeals to everything I love about films and captures something that is unique and true.  I would love to act in something like this and also to direct something that feels as loose and creative and free and honest.  Bruce and I still play and sing tunes from this.. "Keep A'Goin'" is a CLASSIC.

"L'Avventura" - This was the first Antonioni film I ever watched.  How beautiful and unique.  What incredible acting by Monica Vitti.  I felt she captured what it feels like to be in love and what it feels like to be betrayed.  And the way Antonioni chose to tell this story, through vistas of water and mountains and architecture and sweeping halls..... It made the feelings of the characters come out all the more.  It is like reading an amazing children's book.. the story and pictures complement each other until there is a feeling growing inside that must be released in tears.

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I am not able to see as many films as I would like any more.  Still a full time caretaker of my daughter (save for the 2 1/2 hours when she's in school when she's not sick), my limited free time is spent working on projects.  I try and fit films in when I can.  Recently somehow I managed to see "Lincoln" (loved it), "Les Mis" (hated it, walked out), "Rust and Bone" (eh, I'd give it a 1), and "Clean" (not bad.. had some moments I liked and some what felt like truthful insight into what it's like to be a heroin addict and musician but ultimately just okay), but there are so many more I'd like to see (in the theaters: "Amour", "Silver Linings Playbook", "Zero Dark Thirty", etc., and sooooooo many on Netflix).  Mostly I want to see films that recently played festivals that are not yet available on DVD.  I have to patiently wait until they are available and view them in snatches of time here and there on my 19" tv set or computer.  I am not complaining.. not really... I still get GREAT joy out of watching a sublime film and it is like eating candy or chocolate or coconut cream pie or getting a new dress that is divine.  I just don't get to do it as often as I'd like.

However, I do get to spend time with my daughter and to be a filmmaker.  And that is enough for now. Balancing it with joy, fun, open-ended creativity, and exercise is my challenge and goal.

New Year

New year.  Getting over a 10 day cold.  Tired.  Looking forward to being excited again.  Getting there. I want to be able to be completely honest here but yet am aware anyone can look at this blog.  Still..... here goes.  I have been working for over a year on "Crossing the River".  It would be incredibly exciting to have a festival announcement soon.  As of yet, that is not the case.  Many many people have worked on the film, donated to the film, been a champion of the film.  I would say that thousands of hours have been put in with an eye towards the film's ultimate success.  I would love to be able to say that the film will be seen by many many people, will be discussed, thought about, that people's eyes will be opened to the fact that cross burnings still exist, that people are rallying around prevention of cross burnings and around other anti-racism efforts as a direct result of having seen the film.

As I come out of my sickness, I am looking towards this new year.  There is still much work to be done on CTR, screenings to be organized, people to be contacted, festivals yet to enter.  At the same time, I am thinking about my next project.  There are several ideas kicking around, both completed feature scripts, and mere ideas........  I am a person who usually knows what she is doing next.  It is an interesting place to be to not be completely sure.  I will keep you posted.

Wishing everyone a beautiful 2013.  Wishing clarity, peace, clear communication, a sense of your own self-worth, a feeling of meaning and connection to all humanity, and of course much love, health, joy and creativity.  Abundance in all things to the point where it is absolutely necessary to share it.

Love,
Emilie

p.s. My new website: http://www.emiliemcdonald.com
p.p.s. Miranda just turned 5!!!!!!!!!!

From October 15, 2012

From October 15, 2012:

It’s been some time.  Have been very focused on completing “Crossing the River” the last few months.  My wonderful editor Matt was there for the whole ride, trying this, trying that, tweaking this, moving that, until finally, I feel very strongly about the film.  There is a particular scene that was tried in two completely different sections of the film, giving a different feeling to the entire piece.  Many people liked it in the beginning of the film – starting it out with a bang.  Many people liked it towards the end as I originally had it – something to build up to.  I finally tuned out all the (very-helpful) voices and listened to my heart.

I have no idea whether the completed film will appear in festivals, will win any awards, or garner any huge amount of attention.  All I know is, it feels like my work, my vision, my painting.  I feel that has to be at the top of the list (of granted, many other important aspects of filmmaking) for the final cut – can the filmmaker live with it and stand behind it?  Yes, I can.

 Miranda has now started school.  She loves it.  I think she was finally ready for it and embraces it with open arms and heart.  She’s made a new friend who she adores.  It is all very sweet.

I am able to get dribs and drabs of work done during the short 2 ½ hours she is in school… minus the driving time to and from at the beginning and end…

I am now preparing 2 separate feature scripts for development to be ready by December.  Am going to practice BEST USE OF TIME.

There is one other thing I really wanted to discuss.  It is: does the filmmaker believe in herself and her vision?  And when I say herself, I do mean herself.  I feel that some women have a natural confidence and brazenness, and I have met many of them throughout my life.  But I would say that many more have to constantly work at it.. it is not something that was taught to us or comes naturally.

When I was about to direct my last short film in 2010, I remember looking online for resources about leadership for women directors.  I couldn’t find anything.  I asked female filmmaker friends and that was very helpful.  The rest I have learned through directing that film (“Other People’s Houses”) and then the next one (“Crossing the River”).

There isn’t a course on Women Directors and Leadership that I know of.  If there is, I want to take it.

In the meantime, this is what I have learned:

1) Block out all the voices in your head that question your ability to lead, even if they are comments from well-meaning friends (i.e. “I never pictured you as a director”, etc.).  Keep only the positive feedback at the forefront of your mind when preparing to direct, when directing, when talking about directing, when talking about your project, when sending emails, etc.
2) Believe in yourself.  To quote the words of Martha Graham (which my amazing acting teacher Fred Kareman often used to quote): “There is a vitality, a life force, a quickening that is translated through you into action, and there is only one of you in all time. This expression is unique, and if you block it, it will never exist through any other medium; and be lost. The world will not have it./It is not your business to determine how good it is, not how it compares with other expression. It is your business to keep it yours clearly and directly, to keep the channel open. You have to keep open and aware directly to the urges that motivate you. Keep the channel open./No artist is pleased. There is no satisfaction whatever at any time. There is only a queer, divine dissatisfaction, a blessed unrest that keeps us marching and makes us more alive than the others.”
3) When on the set, integrate all the best parts of yourself.  Keep your thoughts on the work at hand and the meaning of the film.  Also learn to juggle the varying needs of your cast, crew, producers, and in my case, family. 
4) Get as much sleep as you can.  Difficult but one can try.
5) Through all the challenges (and there WILL be challenges), keep a positive outlook throughout.  You are living out your dream of directing a film.  Savor the moment.
6) Don’t be afraid to be assertive.  It is in fact necessary at moments.
7) See #2.

Thank you for reading…….. plan to write more regularly here, as I enjoy it.

Emilie

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post-shoot

Hey there,

Have been so busy writing posts for Kickstarter, Facebook, the crossing the river website, Twitter, that I haven't gotten to filmmaker mama for awhile. It is so specific, dealing with being a mama and a filmmaker.. those thoughts are a little different than the thoughts having to do specifically with the shoot.

I will say this: After directing "Crossing the River" I am certain I am capable of directing a feature film. This is very meaningful and profound to me. It happened without my realizing it during the shoot, but it hit me at one point and it was an exhilarating feeling. I felt I was able to really work with the actors in a specific and personal way; had a great collaboration and communication with my DP; and had a very strong sense of the story I wanted to tell and how I wanted it to look, and for the most part was able to communicate that.

Miranda and Bruce were with me in South Carolina during the shoot. Bruce was playing one of the lead roles in the film, but was only needed for about a day and a half of the four day shoot. I also needed him for rehearsals on Monday and Wednesday afternoons (the shoot was Thursday-Sunday). Now mind you, I do realize that there are MANY MANY filmmaker mamas out there. I also realize that at the moment I am in a situation where it is a mite bit challenging because we don't have the resources to hire a babysitter to come with us on the shoot (although this is a goal for the next film) or even for much else of the time.

Soooo... this is how it was handled: For the most part Bruce and Miranda hung out in South Carolina. They got lots of Daddy-Miranda time which they normally don't get as much of in NYC because Bruce works so damn much. So they went to the zoo, the children's museum, the Lorax movie, the Winnie the Pooh garden, a train, a birthday party, and to countless coffee shops and restaurants. They actually had a fabulous time. And our kind friend Jane let us stay in the bottom floor of her house (with a separate entrance), making EVERYTHING so much easier to handle during this possibly-stressful time.

Okay... Rehearsals: Martha hung out with Miranda a bit.. in the ROOM where we were rehearsing. So there were moments during the read-through when Miranda was talking, wanted my attention, wanted Bruce's attention, etc. I tried to make a joke about it and said "this is what I write about in my blog!" It really wasn't too bad though. During intense moments of rehearsal (the film is definitely not for small kids), I tried to have her go into the other room with Martha and with Hayley, our wardrobe supervisor. There were moments she came wandering in still. No biggie.

During the shoot, when Bruce was acting and I was directing, it was challenging. Martha watched her at moments, but she had other things she needed to take care of. Tammy watched her at moments, but she's my Co-Producer and was wearing many other hats. Dessa, 1st AD, also watched her at moments but I don't think this was in the job description! Not ideal circumstances, but we made it work. Martha, Tammy and Dessa, if you are reading this - thank you!!!!!!! There were moments on the set when we had "QUIET ON THE SET!!!" and it was Miranda screaming in another room. Mostly, it all worked out. And many days Bruce and Miranda were traipsing around on their adventures.

There was only one moment when I had to leave my directing post at the monitor and hang out with Miranda in the car (during an outdoor shoot) until she was quiet. She had seen a fly in the car and was freaked out. I finally calmed her down and was able to return to my job (Dessa was with her of course!). It was luckily during a shot of an CU insert of an action. But not ideal. Much better than the moment during my last film "Other People's Houses" when I actually had to go.home.to.breastfeed.miranda.because.she.was.having.a.meltdown. That was a really tough moment. I had to walk away during a moment of the film I really needed to be directing.

Miranda is no longer breastfeeding. And the older she gets, I think the easier this is gonna get. She'll probably be able to hang out on the set and just relax.

I'm still learning too. It's a really interesting process. I'm glad she gets to see what I do, what my passion is. It means a lot to me as well.

A jumble of thoughts, but to me that's what this blog is for.............

Love on a Thursday evening of ruminations---

Emilie

(okay, in the photo can you see Miranda behind Bruce on the truck? :) - that's me on the right and everyone else are the amazing actors Michelle, Tyler and Landon)