babysitting

I hire a babysitter one day a week for three hours. Now is that time. I feel somewhat of a sense of guilt whenever the babysitter is here. It is hard to shake. It’s like, “I should be enjoying my daughter and spending every second with her appreciating her like the babysitter is”. It feels selfish to do my work. Yet, with many days her only sleeping 9 ½ hours total, there is no chance to get work done, much less catch up on cleaning and paperwork and emails etc. etc. I am incredibly driven and focused and have a clear image of the arena I plan to be in as a director. It is very specific. Indie narrative filmmaking of the highest artistry and quality.. Sundance.. highly creative and powerful collaborators in my producers, cinematographers, actors, etc.. A long and varied film career with many challenging and interesting films, all a clear expression of my vision. I feel my whole life has been leading up to this point. Perhaps I am a late bloomer, but I am blooming.. I cannot wait to get my hands on a camera (figuratively) again and put images and words and sounds and human actors into a story that slowly reveals itself. Sometimes I am frustrated because I can’t attend many networking events or film-related workshops or discussions. I can’t plan very many lunches or dinners or movie nights with artist friends or film folks who I’d like to get to know better. But I do have three hours a week with which to work (and of course my evenings when my daughter goes to sleep and before my husband gets home). And I do have my time with my daughter, which is invaluable, and truly, which I wouldn’t trade for anything. It is a tightrope walk, trying to do both (and do both well). But it is the path I have chosen, and truly I wouldn’t do anything differently. I’ve never been more focused on my goals in my life. I must thank M for this.